Post Surgery

March 29th  I've always told the doctors that I'm the healthiest cancer patient he'll ever see and it must be true.  When I went to the surgeon for a follow up from surgery I was able to have to have 2 of the 3 drain tubes removed.  That's about a week sooner than they expected.  Now granted I still have one in, but that's pretty good I'd say.  While in the hospital I did develop heart arrhythmia, but it is being caused by being anemic.  Once this is under control I should be feeling pretty good.  The anemia is, believe it or not, still a side effect from the chemo.  Gotta love chemo :)
I think my taste buds are finally returning to normal.  I ate chili over the weekend.  I have not had any type of tomato anything since November.   Wow, that's a big plus.  I never knew how much I would miss those foods... spaghetti, chili, jambalaya.  Still can't eat anything with ANY spice to it at all,  but hey, I'm on my way. 
So, the surgery was pretty much a success I guess.  Is that how we say it?  A success?  Only 3 of 12 lymph nodes removed were still positive,  they say that's good???  Not sure how I feel about any of the nodes being positive though.  You go through chemo thinking you'll come out of it with NO positive test results.   The doctors say that radiation will take care of any remaining cancer cells.  I'm sure this is true.  For my own peace of mind I need to believe them.  Keep a good outlook right?  I'm sure I can do that.  Attitude has so much to do with healing.  I do believe, however, that it will always be in the back of my mind.  Of course right now,  I can't remember anything, chemo brain remember hahaha, so a thought that has been shoved to the back of my mind may just become fading memory.

A new me, well not really.

March 23rd  It's done, finally the surgery is over.  I have been thinking of this surgery since October.  That's when the doctors had first thought the surgery would happen.  On the days leading up to the surgery I kept myself occupied.  I had family come from out of town and I think this really helped to keep my thoughts on something besides myself.  I truly was not nervous, at least not conscience of the fact.  I just kept telling myself, "It is what it is"  Sometimes things happen in life that we really have no control over.  Okay, so most of the time this pertains to my children.  :P  I really believe I went to the hospital with a good frame of mind, however, once the nurse started talking to Dan & I about the procedure it hit me.  This is it.  This is really happening to me.  This whole idea of me having this disease has been surreal to both Dan & I.  It had never been real, until now.  I just kept thinking, they are really going to remove my breast.  What a strange statement this is.  I couldn't even imagine how I would look, how I would feel, how I would handle myself when I came out of surgery. 
Well I did it.  The surgery is over and for the most part I'm still myself.  A little  deformed, a little more sore but I'm still here.  It's still me.  The doctor took the bandages off yesterday.  Dan & I finally got a clear view of the new me.  Not a pretty picture.  I can't say it wasn't a shock but it really is still me.  I guess this is what I have to keep saying to myself.  
Now I'm on to the next step, whatever that may be in this ever changing place I'm in. 

Confusion

March 13th  I woke up this morning feeling a little edgy.  I'm guessing it due to the surgery getting so close.  I think most people feel this way whenever you have anything coming up, whether it's something at work, home etc.  A few of my family are going to be here soon from out of state.  Can't wait to see them.  Too bad I won't be able to visit with them the entire time.  I feel a little cheated on this visit.  I guess they will have to make another trip up here very soon.  I have actually been hearing from a lot of people lately.  So many friends and family wanting to give me their support.  It's amazing how many people remember me. 
A funny thing happened at CVS yesterday,  the cashier asked me if I was suffering from "chemo brain".  I started laughing.  I've been saying I have chemo brain but didn't really believe it till now :)  I'm going to use this excuse for a very long time :)  I asked her why she asked, she said because I had a blank look on my face.  How funny was that?  I must have really looked confused.  I know, not much different than normal right?

Accept the Change

March 9th  Went to dinner with my friends and Dan.  Appetite is starting to come back a little.  Still no spicy yet, but give it time.  My cousins sent me chocolate covered strawberries.  My favorite.  I can definitely eat them.  I'll be the fattest cancer patient ever :)  
I lost another finger nail today.  So gross.  Once they all fall off I'll start growing my new ones though so I'm hoping they fall off soon.  It's going to be a year of all kinds of growth, physically, spiritually and emotionally.  Since I've never been one to accept change well I figure this is my opportunity to learn all about change at it's utmost.  I'm sure with help and love from my friends and family that I will learn to love change.
Dan and I have decided we have a motto:  We will remember it always,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
To change the things I can
and the strength to know the difference.

Surgery scheduled

March 1st  Two weeks from today.  That's MY day I guess.  Surgery.  Right now it all seems so surreal.  When I talk about it it's like I'm talking about someone else which, for me, I guess is a good thing.  I can't picture myself as being sick so I deal with things by putting myself outside the situation.
My bi weekly doctor appointment went well.  Blood work all good.  I've been very fortunate in one aspect of my chemo, my blood work has remained good.  Something that seems to plague a lot of cancer patients, low blood counts.  I always tell my doctor that I'm the healthiest cancer patient he'll have.  The only thing low is my hemoglobin which means I'm a little anemic.  The symptom of this....being tired.  Well, that's not new news.  hahaha.  I asked the nurse "about how long, now that I'm over chemo, before I begin to feel like myself."  She said it can take many months.  I definitely don't like this answer.  Maybe as my hair starts coming back so will my energy :)  If you remember the story of Samson, his energy was tied to the length of his hair, makes this story even more believable doesn't it?