Unable to Hold On

Dec 29th  It is SO hard for me to type so this is going to be short.  My new side effect.....blistered hands.  Wow do they hurt.  I'm typing by only used the very tip of my fingers.  It's really about the craziest thing ever.  I am virtually unable to do anything.  I can't hold a fork, barely type, I can't even hold the remote controller or pour a cup of coffee.  I'm sure this, as with everything to do with chemo, will go away but let me tell you it exhausting.  I try to laugh about it, laughter's good medicine right?  Well sometimes that's easier said than done.  I think I'll talk to Dr Whitaker about stopping chemo and just go forward with the surgery.  I'm sure that's probably not going to work but it's worth a shot.  Life is so short, way to short to be sick for months.  I guess the good thing is that it's winter.  If it were spring I would really have cabin fever.  I love the sunshine.

Life on hold

Dec 22nd.  Wednesday.... I really don't like Wednesdays.  I usually wake up feeling good but it's always in the back of my mind that I only have a few hours.  Chemo comes around 1pm every 2nd Wednesday and I know that I will have to put my life on hold for many days.  I think I finally have my Christmas done as well as it's going to be.  Dan really stepped in and did the majority this year. 
If I don't get to write before Christmas, I hope that each and everyone of you have a very blessed holiday.  Enjoy your families, near and far and Never forget to tell those people that you love them.  Today is never too soon to share your love.

Weighing the effects of Christmas.

Dec 21st  I'm on my last good day before chemo again.  Trying really hard to get things done, mostly my Christmas preparations.  Well this year my preparations aren't really happening. I did manage to get a few gifts wrapped and a few cards sent out.   I guess even in a good year I'm never ready but it always comes and even without finishing, it always goes well.  It's funny how you can worry and stress because you didn't get that one gift bought or you didn't get that one kind of cookie baked but you wake up on Christmas morning and it really doesn't make a difference. 
I had a great weekend filled with family and friends.  Saturday was the Kinder Christmas.  The food is always so wonderful and something different every year.  This year steak and shrimp. YUMMY!  I did get a big surprise this year .  Each and every person that attended the dinner wore a breast cancer pin in my honor.  Judy had made them for everyone.  Not sure how she found the time to do it.  I couldn't believe they had all participated in this.  What a wonderful group of people that we have the pleasure of knowing.  They are all a part of our extended family.
Sunday was the Harmon Christmas.  This is always a big event.  Mostly because we are a BIG family. Somewhere around 30 people now I think.  We gather at a different persons house each year and eat and play games.  The Harmons group is very competitive so I'm sure you know how the games went LOL.  It truly is a fun time.  Now let me just say that I have had a horrible time finding foods that I can eat lately.  Yea, you got it, a side effect, but with all the food that was prepared, OMG, I found plenty to eat.  I think for the first time since chemo I was actually too full.  Ahhh, just like the old times.  Me over eating.  The good old days.  I bet I won't have lost weight this time at my weigh in :)

A Holiday Bug

Dec 13th.  Wow, this has been a long weekend.  Chemo has never been my friend but add a stomach virus to the mix. OH MY!!!  Talk about kicking your booty.  I haven't had the flu in years and I don't think I ever want it again. I'm banning it from this moment on.   I'm sure with the kind of patient I am that Dan feels the same way.  Cranky is probably a good term for my attitude :)  I'm beginning to feel a little like myself but it's slow going.  I get so aggravated at myself because there is so much I want to do.  I love the holidays but don't feel like I've got to enjoy them much.  I would love to do my baking that I enjoy so much but right now the smell of cookies baking,,,,yuck :(  What a great diet this is. hahaha.  I'm sure this will pass as all things do but it better make it quick.  I've got things to do. 
Do you ever wonder how things can seem to be going so great and in a matter of hours can turn around. Maybe it doesn't really turn it just strays off into a new path.  I mean life is an adventure right?  You must take each and every step put in your way.  I guess taking the step isn't the problem huh, it's how you take them.  How do I handle the obstacles, the same way I handle the joys... with full force and enthusiasm?  Joys are always easier to handle I admit.  Maybe the trick is to find joy in the obstacles.  What's the old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade".  Corny I know but a lot of truth also.  Maybe the obstacles help you to not take the joys for granted.  They make you appreciate what you have.  Maybe the joys are just a little sweeter when they don't come so easy. 
I think the key for me is to live my life the best way I know how.  To be the very best person I can be.  To love my family and my friends with every beat of my heart.  To take each day and appreciate it.  To thank God for giving me another day and all that it brings.

The Season

Dec 6th  I went to lunch with friends on Saturday.  It is so wonderful to get out in the "normal" world.  It's the Christmas season?? When you're sitting in the house for days at a time you don't realize how the world moves on without you.  The mall is all decorated and festive, and the people.  OMG!  All the people.  It was great to see the mall and Santa.  It really lifts your spirits.  I got home and Dan had put our tree up.  This made me feel that I wasn't going to miss the season.  I love Christmas and all that it entails.  I love to decorate and buy gifts and I really thought I wouldn't be able to do either this year.  Well, thanks to the Internet and Dan we are now well on our way.  It's true that Christmas is not all about the gifts even though I love to buy gifts.  Its the whole thing...trees, decorating, baking, food, parties and yes snow.  All of it together make it the season.  Don't you think people seem nicer at Christmas?  Maybe it just how I feel but hey I'll take it.  It's a wonderful time of year!!

Weary

Nov 30th  Tuesday, okay, I think I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.  A friend of mine that is a cancer survivor, told me that each time you have a chemo treatment add one day to feeling bad.  Are you kidding me?  I have chemo every two weeks.  With this scenario there will come a time when I never feel like me.  That surely isn't right?? I've never really been one to lay around.  My one "gift" that I've always felt God gave me was being overactive.  I want to move all the time.  I have to always have a project going, much to Dan's dismay, hahaha.  Is this what I will become?  Someone that goes to bed at 8pm?  Someone that takes naps after going to the store?  It doesn't sound like me.  Is this the new me?  I can't believe it is.  When do you get the zest for life back?  6 months right :)
Thank goodness for the holidays, I love them.  I'm sure with all the festivities I will work through the tiredness.  I love Christmas and all that it entails... lights, parties, family and PRESENTS :)  With Christmas also comes snow.  I guess if I have to be tired this will be the perfect time right?  Maybe if I hybernate until summer I'll be back to myself or maybe a new and improved self.  We can all use improvement right?