Unable to Hold On

Dec 29th  It is SO hard for me to type so this is going to be short.  My new side effect.....blistered hands.  Wow do they hurt.  I'm typing by only used the very tip of my fingers.  It's really about the craziest thing ever.  I am virtually unable to do anything.  I can't hold a fork, barely type, I can't even hold the remote controller or pour a cup of coffee.  I'm sure this, as with everything to do with chemo, will go away but let me tell you it exhausting.  I try to laugh about it, laughter's good medicine right?  Well sometimes that's easier said than done.  I think I'll talk to Dr Whitaker about stopping chemo and just go forward with the surgery.  I'm sure that's probably not going to work but it's worth a shot.  Life is so short, way to short to be sick for months.  I guess the good thing is that it's winter.  If it were spring I would really have cabin fever.  I love the sunshine.

Life on hold

Dec 22nd.  Wednesday.... I really don't like Wednesdays.  I usually wake up feeling good but it's always in the back of my mind that I only have a few hours.  Chemo comes around 1pm every 2nd Wednesday and I know that I will have to put my life on hold for many days.  I think I finally have my Christmas done as well as it's going to be.  Dan really stepped in and did the majority this year. 
If I don't get to write before Christmas, I hope that each and everyone of you have a very blessed holiday.  Enjoy your families, near and far and Never forget to tell those people that you love them.  Today is never too soon to share your love.

Weighing the effects of Christmas.

Dec 21st  I'm on my last good day before chemo again.  Trying really hard to get things done, mostly my Christmas preparations.  Well this year my preparations aren't really happening. I did manage to get a few gifts wrapped and a few cards sent out.   I guess even in a good year I'm never ready but it always comes and even without finishing, it always goes well.  It's funny how you can worry and stress because you didn't get that one gift bought or you didn't get that one kind of cookie baked but you wake up on Christmas morning and it really doesn't make a difference. 
I had a great weekend filled with family and friends.  Saturday was the Kinder Christmas.  The food is always so wonderful and something different every year.  This year steak and shrimp. YUMMY!  I did get a big surprise this year .  Each and every person that attended the dinner wore a breast cancer pin in my honor.  Judy had made them for everyone.  Not sure how she found the time to do it.  I couldn't believe they had all participated in this.  What a wonderful group of people that we have the pleasure of knowing.  They are all a part of our extended family.
Sunday was the Harmon Christmas.  This is always a big event.  Mostly because we are a BIG family. Somewhere around 30 people now I think.  We gather at a different persons house each year and eat and play games.  The Harmons group is very competitive so I'm sure you know how the games went LOL.  It truly is a fun time.  Now let me just say that I have had a horrible time finding foods that I can eat lately.  Yea, you got it, a side effect, but with all the food that was prepared, OMG, I found plenty to eat.  I think for the first time since chemo I was actually too full.  Ahhh, just like the old times.  Me over eating.  The good old days.  I bet I won't have lost weight this time at my weigh in :)

A Holiday Bug

Dec 13th.  Wow, this has been a long weekend.  Chemo has never been my friend but add a stomach virus to the mix. OH MY!!!  Talk about kicking your booty.  I haven't had the flu in years and I don't think I ever want it again. I'm banning it from this moment on.   I'm sure with the kind of patient I am that Dan feels the same way.  Cranky is probably a good term for my attitude :)  I'm beginning to feel a little like myself but it's slow going.  I get so aggravated at myself because there is so much I want to do.  I love the holidays but don't feel like I've got to enjoy them much.  I would love to do my baking that I enjoy so much but right now the smell of cookies baking,,,,yuck :(  What a great diet this is. hahaha.  I'm sure this will pass as all things do but it better make it quick.  I've got things to do. 
Do you ever wonder how things can seem to be going so great and in a matter of hours can turn around. Maybe it doesn't really turn it just strays off into a new path.  I mean life is an adventure right?  You must take each and every step put in your way.  I guess taking the step isn't the problem huh, it's how you take them.  How do I handle the obstacles, the same way I handle the joys... with full force and enthusiasm?  Joys are always easier to handle I admit.  Maybe the trick is to find joy in the obstacles.  What's the old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade".  Corny I know but a lot of truth also.  Maybe the obstacles help you to not take the joys for granted.  They make you appreciate what you have.  Maybe the joys are just a little sweeter when they don't come so easy. 
I think the key for me is to live my life the best way I know how.  To be the very best person I can be.  To love my family and my friends with every beat of my heart.  To take each day and appreciate it.  To thank God for giving me another day and all that it brings.

The Season

Dec 6th  I went to lunch with friends on Saturday.  It is so wonderful to get out in the "normal" world.  It's the Christmas season?? When you're sitting in the house for days at a time you don't realize how the world moves on without you.  The mall is all decorated and festive, and the people.  OMG!  All the people.  It was great to see the mall and Santa.  It really lifts your spirits.  I got home and Dan had put our tree up.  This made me feel that I wasn't going to miss the season.  I love Christmas and all that it entails.  I love to decorate and buy gifts and I really thought I wouldn't be able to do either this year.  Well, thanks to the Internet and Dan we are now well on our way.  It's true that Christmas is not all about the gifts even though I love to buy gifts.  Its the whole thing...trees, decorating, baking, food, parties and yes snow.  All of it together make it the season.  Don't you think people seem nicer at Christmas?  Maybe it just how I feel but hey I'll take it.  It's a wonderful time of year!!

Weary

Nov 30th  Tuesday, okay, I think I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.  A friend of mine that is a cancer survivor, told me that each time you have a chemo treatment add one day to feeling bad.  Are you kidding me?  I have chemo every two weeks.  With this scenario there will come a time when I never feel like me.  That surely isn't right?? I've never really been one to lay around.  My one "gift" that I've always felt God gave me was being overactive.  I want to move all the time.  I have to always have a project going, much to Dan's dismay, hahaha.  Is this what I will become?  Someone that goes to bed at 8pm?  Someone that takes naps after going to the store?  It doesn't sound like me.  Is this the new me?  I can't believe it is.  When do you get the zest for life back?  6 months right :)
Thank goodness for the holidays, I love them.  I'm sure with all the festivities I will work through the tiredness.  I love Christmas and all that it entails... lights, parties, family and PRESENTS :)  With Christmas also comes snow.  I guess if I have to be tired this will be the perfect time right?  Maybe if I hybernate until summer I'll be back to myself or maybe a new and improved self.  We can all use improvement right?

Thanksgiving

Nov 29th   I know it's not Thanksgiving but I missed it by a little this year.  Well not entirely just the day.  My sister and brother in law brought us a fantastic meal.  They brought it to us on Wednesday night.  Smart thinking.  The day of chemo I usually feel pretty good until about bedtime so this gave us a little time to have dinner.  Both boys were home and we all sat down and ate together.   I didn't get to eat a whole lot due to all the fun chemo gives you the first night of treatment, but what I ate was wonderful.  Dan & the boys made up for what I didn't eat.  I always love to watch them eat,  It's like an art form :) 
This year instead of our usual prayer at dinner, you know most familes have one, I had to really think about what I'm thankful for.  Of course, I'm thankful for the usual, about also maybe the unusual too.  I'm thankful for Dan.  My mom always told me that God sent Dan to us.  He was needed.  I need him and the boys needed him and I know with all my heart that we always will.  He completed our family and filled a large hole.  For this I will always be grateful.  I'm thankful my boys were both home for the holiday this year.  Usually I'm thankful they have jobs, lol, but this year....I'm just glad they're home.  This year I'm thankful for my job.  Not only that I have one but that the one I have has given me an extended family that I will always cherish.  This year I'm thankful for my family... sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles etc.  Not that I have them but because even though we live far away from each other I still consider us close knit.  I'm thankful that we are involved in each others lives and are not strangers.  I'm thankful for my inlaws.  They really aren't inlaws, they are my family.  I could never have asked for a more loving family to come in to.  They opened their arms and hearts and have always made me feel that I am truly a part of the family.  I'm thankful for Dan's job.  Wow, where would we be without it.  Kinder Elec is not only a job though, it's also part of our extended family.  There isn't a person there that I don't truly love.  Last but not least, my friends.  All of you that don't fall in the "family category".  You are my family each and everyone of you.  I am so blessed.  I think this illness has taught me the greatest gift that we can have in life is our family.  Without it we have nothing.  All the good health and great wealth are nothing without the people in our lives that we share it with.

Hair Raising.

Nov 21st.  Well I think it's starting.  While I was sitting at the table working a puzzle today my hair started coming out.  It's a subtle thing, I'm not sure what I had expected.  I didn't wake up and find myself bald with all my hair on my pillow.  I didn't wash my hair and find it all in the drain.  I actually just ran my hands thru my hair and came out with a hand full.  I've been told this was coming but I won't say it wasn't a shock.  I'm not sure it wasn't as big of a shock as finding out I have cancer.  I'm mad at myself for even caring.  It's just hair right?  That's what I keep telling myself but I sure didn't keep that in mind when I saw it in my hand.  Of course, l was by myself so I didn't have anyone to laugh about it with.  Dan is almost always with me but being the sweet soul he is, he had gone to put gas in my car and to buy me coffee.  Boy when he walked in the door though.  He probably thought someone had died.  Now just so your getting the true picture, I'm NOT bald yet.  I don't even look like I'm losing any hair.  I have a bunch to loose before anyone could ever tell. I'm not sure what happened to me at that moment where I found the hair in my hand.  Maybe it was just all of my emotions about cancer coming out???  I will tell you that this won't happen much.  I know you're suppose to allow yourself to cry but I can't allow myself to be bogged down in self pity.  I have not been given a death sentence I've been given a barrier to climb over....and I will climb it.
 

What is normal?

Nov 20th  I went to lunch with my girls today.  It was so great getting out of the house and doing something different.  Something normal.  We met at BJ's at Greenwood mall.  One of my favorite places.  Not sure if I told you but the doctor told me that my tastebuds will change during chemo.  Some of my favorite foods and drinks will no longer be my favorite.  Well I've found one thing....wine.  Oh believe me I've tried just to be sure, but oh my, it's nasty.  I haven't really tried a lot.  One glass Friday night and another at BJ's.  Isn't that a strange thing to be effected?  Oh well I guess if that's the worst thing right?  I have notice other foods that don't quite taste the same...milk, cereal,donuts & coke but alcohol is the worst.  Taste like metal.  I guess all this wine I've been collecing will just wait until summer. 
I tell you though, when I got home I was so tired.  Probably just for the reason that I haven't really gotten out and gone anywhere since starting chemo.  I think sometimes the more you sit around the more you want to sit around.  I know that sounds like there's an easy fix for it but sometimes I just don't want to get up and move.  Well I go from the bed to the couch and then in about an hour or two I take my little trip and go back to the bed :)  I figure I'm getting my exercise just going back and forth.  lol. 
This was a pretty good weekend.  I've felt closer to my old self than I have in a couple of weeks.  I even put makeup on :)  One thing about feeling better is I'm able to help around the house.  Poor Dan, he's taken it all on, cleaning, cooking,  laundry.  He's has been so great thorough all of this.  This weekend though I'm getting some things done.  Can you believe how happy I am to do a little housework.  No sweeping due to the port but dishes and laundry.  Don't I sound excited?  Is that sad or what.  Chores make me happy HAHAHAHA
Now don't ask me ask me about it next weekend...I'm sure it won't last.

I'm adding a couple of pics of gifts that I have received from people.  It's just a couple.  I have received SO many.  I think when I get gifts from now on I'm going to take a picture right then so I don't forget. Well I probably won't photograph the food :)
Thank you again to all of you.  I don't think I could do this without you.

Side effects keep you sidelined.

Nov 18th  I went to the doctor yesterday, seems I spend a lot of time there lately.  I went thinking it was only for bloodwork but hey I got to see Doc Whitaker too, BONUS.  What a nice guy he really is.  He spends time with me discussing my treatment and future options.  That's different than most doctors I think.    He said blood work all came back good and he thinks that the tumor even feels a little softer. MIRACLE!!!.  I know it's just the first visit after the first chemo but I'll take each step as a milestone Woot, Woot.
Doc discussed with me some of the side effects that chemo has.  Never to late to talk about them right? lol Okay let's see.....headaches, nausea, dry mouth, metal taste in my mouth, bone ache, and heartburn, hmmmm am I leaving anything out?  lol.  I now have a medication regime.  Really?  me?  I never thought that would happen,   He said that apparently I am one of the few that will be experiencing all that chemo has to offer, good and bad.  And what I said to him?   I'm giving him 6 months, that's it.  Summer will then be here and I just will not have time for all of this.  He just laughed and said okay you got it.  So 6 months feeling yucky and bald, I think I can do it.  No you know what, I can do it. 
While I was going thru the worst part of the week I told Dan, you know what,  little children with cancer go thru this.   My heart goes out to them.  I never knew or even imagined this is what they have to go through.  Surely if an innocent, small and sick child can handle this then so can I....
I worked today for the first time since chemo.  It took me as long to get set up to work from home as I worked, almost.  It felt good to do something that is "normal".  I tried to start work on time but of course woke with a headache.  Finally around noon I got signed on.  It felt like I had been away for ever.  I kept asking my coworkers a lot of questions.  In my job things can change quickly and the one thing you don't want to do is give a customer the wrong information :P  I think it was a good day back.  I'm going to try a full day tomorrow.  Cross your fingers.
Thanks again to everyone for everthing.  There's no way for me to list everything that has been done for Dan and I, and no way to list everyone that has done the giving.  I just keep saying thank you.  As you've heard me say before and I'll keep saying, "I knew I liked everyone but Wow what a wonderful surprise when so many like you back"  It's a true blessing.

Just another manic Monday...oh wait, it's Tuesday :P

Nov 16th  Tuesday morning.  So far, not a bad day.  Not sick today, yah.....I thought I might get up and try to sign on the computer and work from home for awhile.  I'm just tired.  Dan said to not get on the work phone unless I really feel like talking to my customers.  He said I need to sound interested.   I am interested, I guess.  More interesed in doing something that doesn't revolve around cancer.  I talked to some of my peeps, from work, online.  They always make me laugh.  Isn't email great.  Perfect way to keep in touch with out using energy.  Let my fingers do the walking (and talking). 
I went to a "Live Well Feel Better" class yesterday.  It was a nice change.  The cancer center does this for women with cancer.  The instructor gives you lessons on skin care, hair care, hahahaha, make up etc.  She shows you how to tie scarves.  I had no idea there were so many ways to wear a scarf.  I've never really looked good in a doo rag but by golly I am going to make this work.  The other ladies in the class had already lost their hair.  Is it insane to feel quilty because I still have mine???  I guess I won't feel too quilty, I was the only one there that has had a hard time with chemo :)  One very valuable tip, use double sided tape to hole the wig on.  Apparently, they can fly off if it's windy.  You all know this will happen to me.  It just sounds like something that would happen to me.   lol. 
My sister in law & her husband came by yesterday with a gift bag.  One of the gifts she gave is a St Peregrine pendant.  This is the sacred saint of cancer.  She also had it blessed.  Is this amazing....to be wearing something that has actually been blessed.  I really think it's too good for me but hey I'm gonna take it.  I put it on and will keep it on, well unless the doctors need me to take it off :)  Dave and Judy Kinder gave me Holy Water from Lourdes. I used it the day of my first Chemo and I'm telling you I think the lump has already started shrinking. Isn't it amazing what faith and prayer can accomplish.  Between the water and the pendent I feel very blessed.  I know that God is watching over me.
When I was diagnosed with this it was a shock as all of you know.  NO ONE in my family has ever had breast cancer, hardly any cancer that I am aware of.  Dan and I were talking, which we do a heck of a lot of now, and I told him....God gave me this for a reason.  I'm not sure why at this point but I know there is a reason.  I just have to find the it.  Maybe nothing more than to realize how much my family and friends mean to me.  I do know, however, that if you pray to God for courage, does he give you courage or give you a reason to be couragous.  If you pray for hope, does he give you hope or give you a reason to be hopeful.  If you pray to be a better person does he make you a better person or give you the opportunity to show the kind of person you are...I hope I come out of this a better person.  Always know that each and everyone of you mean the world to me.  You keep me strong.
Now, one more thing before I go, I'm posting a picture of the rowdy bunch I work with.  Take a look.

OMG!!!

Nov 14th  Sorry I haven't typed anything for a while.  Let me just say that Chemo, kicks your butt.  I don't think it's the cancer that kills you it's the treatment.  Well not really but maybe just feesl like it.  I'm not one to have the flu or even be in bed for more that a day so this is definitely not a norm for me.  I think I've slept more in the last 4 days than I've been awake.  No energy at all.   I walk from the bedroom to the living room and just lay down on the couch or the bed, whichever is closest.  The nurses say there is a "miracle" drug that keeps you from being nauseated during chemo but can you believe it I was allergic to it.  I started breaking out in hives.  I think they are going to try it again on the next treatment but maybe with benedryl or something, I'm not sure but I know I'll take the hives over this anytime. 
I can't even begin to thank everyone and how wonderful you have all been.  Cards, texts, voicmails, food and flowers have been coming everday.  I have the best support system ever.  All of you have been a great source of strength to me. 
I got my wig yesterday.  My friend CC took me to get it.  Okay, it's a wig.  I'm sure I will like it once my hair is all gone but right now......it looks like a wig.  LOL.  The ladies at the shop were trying several different ones on me,  even one that was kinda blonde.  I don't think i can pull off being a blonde.  There was a colts blue one though that I wouldn't mind having :)  I'll get a pic of me in the wig and post it soon.  I think it will fit better once my hair is gone so I probably won't get a pic for a week or so.

For those of you that are interested I have pink bracelets.  The girls at work got them to show support for me.  Please let me know and I'll get them to you or you are welcome to stop by and get one.
Well I'm closing for now.  I'll try to be on again tomorrow. 
Thank you for all of your prayers.

Today is the day

Nov 10th  Well it's here.  The big C day,   I seem to say "Big C" a lot lately.  It's stands for several things...chemo, cancer, crying, and mostly chaos.  Wow, what a crazy 2 weeks.  On to new adventures. 
I have updated my blog to add a couple of pics.  Thought you might all like to see in pictures what's going on.   Let me know what you think.  I like reading your comments.  I really think this blog has helped me so much.  It's a great way to express my thoughts.  Don't always take everything I say, however, as how it is.  Sometimes my feelings are out there and once I write them down I can make sense of them.  I know confusing right?  As most of you know, my norm is to speak before thinking.  Michael told me I may get a book deal out of it when I'm finished. hahaha, always the comedian.  Hmmm wait, maybe a movie,  Sandra Bullock to play me, no Halle Berry, have you seen the haircut :)  JK. 
Well back to today.  I think I'm ready.  Bought everthing on my list, have spoken to a friend of mine that has breast cancer also, and got some good tips from her and after a panic attack yesterday and calling my terrific HR person,  I'm all prepared.  Didn't go to girlscouts for nothing.
Lisa, my HR rep, went over, AGAIN, my benefits.  I wonder how many times she'll have to explain them to me????  Really all and all ELFCU has great benefits.  I guess I never paid attention to how the insurance, heaven for bid, or the disability worked.  I think we'll be good.  Gotta love Anthem and someplace called RMS Disability.  Maybe next year when we discuss our insurance enrollment options I'll listen better:)  My boss, Shelly, assured me my job will be held for me and I can work off and on if I'm feeling up to it.    Can't beat that with a stick and of course there's always Dan.  Shhh, don't tell him I said that :) 
Did I mention earlier that I do feel blessed, even going thru all of this, or maybe because of this.  Sometimes it takes an act of God to show you what you have.  At least for those of us that can't take a hint or stop to smell the roses, and you all know who you are.  lol
I'll try to write more tonight or tomorrow depending on how I'm feeling.  Heck, Michelle and Rock talked about going out, hmmmmm maybe this weekend?  I'll let you all know. 
Love you all.

My heart......and soul

Nov 9th  Communtiy Hospital... again.  The radiologist is getting to know Dan & I by sight.  The test today is called Muga.  That doesn't even sound like a real test.  If I didn't know better I would think the doctors are making up stuff, or at least names of tests :)  This one was fairly easy in comparision.  The worst part for me was having to be there at 6:30, yes that''s right, AM.  I normally am just barely crawling out of bed at that time of morning.  Did you know that I69 has no traffic on it at that time of morning?  I thought that interstate was busy no matter what time of day.
This day consisted of another IV.  Lucky for me I don't bruise easily.  I thought the nurse would be able to use the port the doctors put in but she said it hasn't been "accessed" yet so she wanted to let my Oncologist do that.  Oh well, what's one more needle stick, right?
This test is to check my heart valves.  Now at this point in my life I have a very strong heart, but they have to keep an eye on it though because of the drug they use during chemo.  The radiologist explained that chemo is a form of poison.  The poison has to run thru my entire body even though the cancer is only in my breast & lymph nodes.  Hmmmm, I thought when I was a child my mom said not to ingest poison????   Apparently poison can have side effects on other parts of my body, faulty heart valves, arthritis...  yea that sounds about right.  Well one illness at at time.  Conquer one  and move on. 
I went to the store today also.   The cancer manuals they give to me give you a list of things to buy to help with the side effects of chemo.  Yes, that right, cancer maual.  Apparently, cancer comes with an instruction manual.  hahahahha  There's even a toothpaste they recommend.  Dry mouth seems to be a huge deal during the treatments as well as a couple of other not so fun things.  The books give a lot of good advice 
Have I mentioned what a gigantic support system I have.  I get cards, texts & voicemails everyday.  I knew I like a lot of people but boy talk about surprised when I found out they like me back LOL.  It's so wonderful.  My friend Amber, that owns a nail salon, gave me a pedi & mani last night,  Dawn & the girls at the call center at work have ordered breast cancer bracelets to support me.  Dee made me snacks for when I'm feeling tired after chemo, Christie made me soup and Barb gave me a free haircut.  I know this isn't everyone, just a few of the wonderful people in my life.  If I had to list everyone and everything that's been done I would run out of room.   My family has also been a source of strength for me.  My sisters, my sisters in law, aunts, these women are the heart of my family.  Without them we wouldn't have the wonderful family that I cherish so much.  Thank you to everyone.  I love you all.
I am truly blessed.

New Doo

Nov 6th.  Well I did it.  I cut off all the hair.  Well I'm not bald, yet but it's only about 1/2 inch all over.  Maybe an inch, but either way, really short.  My friend CC went with me to hold my hand.  Glad she was there, it kinda took the butterflies away. I think Brittany, my hairdresser, was more nervous than I was.  She & I have been trying to let my hair grow long since I began going to her.  A little ironic huh?  :)   I decided to go ahead and cut it since I'm starting Chemo this Wednesday.  Dr Whitaker said I'll probably lose my hair a few weeks later anyway.  For some reason it doesn't seem as bad to see 1 inch hair laying on my pillow in the morning compared to 10 inches.  Oh well, it's only hair right?  It'll grow back in 5-6 months  :)  Now the eyebrows going, that's a whole other story.  Michael, my oldest son, says with no eyebrows I can draw them on every morning depending on the mood I'm in, mad, happy, quizzical...hahahaha.  Dan, as always, told me that it's the perfect style for me.  Now we all know this isn't true but for those of you that know Dan this is exactly what you expect him to say.  He's probably just about one of the nicest people you'll ever meet.  Well like they say, opposites attract. :)  I also know with all my heart that he loves me as I love him.  No matter what, we are in for the long haul, good or bad, in sickness as in heath.
My youngest son, Lucas, will be home late Sunday night.  He is coming home after serving in the Navy.  It's a little ironic that now is when he's coming home.  I haven't told him yet about the craziness going on around here.  I just thought it would be better to talk to him face to face.  My boys have lost both their grandmothers to similar things so I don't want him to worry.  Once he sees me,  he'll see I'm doing well.
Nothing scheduled for Sunday.  I think that's actually the first day since I was diagnosed that I haven't had something going on test wise.  I think I'll just work in the yard and enjoy the day.  Monday back to work, at least for one day.  Dan & I are taking each day as it is given to us and enjoying them.

Port of Call

Nov 5th  Today was going to be my surgery day but since the docs have postponed that, we are going to use the timeslot for the port.  Now I have been thinking this whole time that a port looks like the IV stint they put in your arm but the port would be in my chest.  Well I have 1/2 of it right, as usual LOL.  This "thing" looks like the cap from a 2 liter soft drink.  They insert the entire cath under my skin.  Now I have 3 little nodules on my chest :)   The mini surgery went very well.  They didn't knock me completely out so the recovery time was minimal.  Normally I'm out it for the rest of the day.  I think the worst part of the entire day is the not eating.  I love to eat.  We went to a Chinese restaurant the night before and I really stuffed myself hoping it would tied me over.  For some reason it doesn't quite work that way.  The nurses said nothing after midnight but the surgery wasn't until 2:30 so I drank a cup of coffee.  I don't advise this but anyone that knows me know that I have to have my java. After the surgery I felt good.  Not my best ever but able to function.  I will say about 8pm I started getting tired and sore.  I can't really discribe how this thing feels other than sore.  It's kinda a weird feeling.  I guess it's better than getting an IV every week for Chemo and I'm sure I'll get use to it.  Don't we always get use to things when we have to...
One thing that did happen yesterday which kinda surprised me.  I cried a little right before they put me to sleep.  The nurse was talking to me about what they were getting ready to do and she patted my face and smiled.  I didn't cry hard or bawl like a baby.  If you know me at all you know I'm not a bawler.  Nothing wrong with it, just not me.  I'm not sure why I cried, but tears started running down my face.  The nurse lovingly wipped them away.  She probably had to because of course I wore mascara to the hospital and I began to look like Alice Cooper,  I know, I know what you're all thinking....VAIN.  I admit it.   Mom always said to look the best that you can.  See mom I did listen  lmao.   Anyway, I digress,  the crying doesn't mean I depressed.  It was just a day of reckoning for me.  I told Dan that until today I kept expecting Dr Cam to tell me they had made a mistake.  That I didn't have cancer.....Now I know in my heart they haven't made a mistake, I have the huge knot in my left breast to prove it but I was still hoping.  I think having the port inserted made me realize that Yes, I am on a marathon.
A LONG ONE>

Life's a Whirlwind

Nov. 4th  Let's just say as far as whirl winds go today was definitely one.  Started off at 10am with my first test at Community North, Breast MRI.  What a funny machine this is.  I have always hated MRI's because you go head first into the machine so I feel very clausterphobic.  The one I had today was a little better because you head into the contraption feet first.  All seems good at this point until they tell me to lay on my stomach, arms above my head and get this....position my breast in the holes that are in the table.  It all sounds easy enough except that the holes, just let me say, are QUITE a bit bigger than I need..  Now as most of you know I haven't gone thru puberty yet so my breast are on the small side LOL.  I felt like I was going to fall thru the gigantic holes.  I had to hold on for dear life :)  Well not really but you can imagine. 
I'm sure most of you have probably had an MRI so you know it's extremely loud.  The tech gives you headphones with music,  but the dang machine is so loud you can't really hear the music.  They gave me some kind of contrast thru an IV about 1/2 way thru,  of course it made me nauseated.  It's the Allen curse, everything makes us sick to our stomachs.  All of you Allens out there know what I'm talking about. 
After this test they took me to another part of the hospital for a CAT scan.  More contrast injected.  :(  Oh yea, did I mention that the MRI tech took out the IV she put in not realizing that the CAT scan tech would need to do an IV also.  Okay another stick.  Thank goodness I don't bruise easily.   They then said come back in 3 hrs.  Dan was with me of course.  He's hardly left my side since this marathon has started.  He took me to get some soup.  It helped calm down my stomach and itt helped just getting out of the hospital for awhile.
Okay so 3 hrs later, back to the hospital for my last test.  It' wasn't bad at all.  It's called a Bone Scan.  All you do is lay on a really hard table and this big box passes over the top of you.  Other than a long day I would say it went fine. 
The one thing I will say and have said since this started,  when medical staff find out you have breast cancer, probably all cancer but I only know this one,  they are the sweetest people ever.  Never a curt word, never making you feel like they don't want to be there helping you.  They make you feel like you are the only one with cancer. 
Let me also say I love my family, friends and coworkers. 
.  Cancer is a BAD thing.

Crazy day

Nov 3rd.  Wow what a crazy day.  Had to meet with the HR dept at work.  A bunch of info that I'm sure I won't remember.  My wonderful boss sat with me to help with keeping the info straight.  Hopefully when all of this gets going at full force she'll help me remember. 
This was my last full day of work for awhile.  Hopefully, all of my members got the help they need.  I tried to call everyone to let them know that I will be in and out of the office for awhile.  Not the best move professionally but it will have to work for awhile.  Money worries are hanging out in my mind right now but I just have to try and not worry.  Not the easiest thing to do.  Cancer sure has a crazy way of screwing with every aspect of you life.  It doesn't leave any section unturned.
Okay, so the nurse called from Dr Cam's office and said we are moving forward with the surgery on Friday.  I thought I had been told they are going to postpone that for while and begin chemo instead.  The girl at his office seemed to not know anything about that so she said she would call me back.  About 2 hrs later, and let me say 2 hours of driving my coworkers nuts with my craziness, Dr Cam himself called me.  What a great doctor.  He said he was so sorry for the confusion.  Tests all day on Thursday, Port only on Friday, tests again on Tuesday and Chemo on Wednesday.  Seems like a pretty full calendar. 
Oh yea, have I told you I think cancer sucks!!!!!

Dr Whitaker

November 1st.  Today I meet the doctor that will be in charge of my chemo.  His office is in the Indiana Cancer Center at the Hancock Regional Hospital.  Everyone is really nice.  The one thing that Dan & I have noticed is all the medical professionals that we have been dealing with are extremely nice and are willing to help in any way they can.
Dr Whitaker said that the knot is bigger than they first thought.  It's a little under 2 inches.  If they do a lumpectomy they would need to take most of my breast.  He will talk to Dr Cam but he advises to do Chemo first then surgery.  Hopefully chemo will reduce the size.   He confirms that the lymph nodes are affected and recommends removing 10-20 nodes during the surgery.  I think it sounds like a lot but hey whatever it takes right?  Chemo scheduled for next Wednesday.  I have several tests that still need to be ran... bone scan, breast mri, some kind of heart test.  I can never remember the name of the heart test, it sounds like a dogs name.  LOL.  I'll let you know when I remember. Oh yea and I will need to have a port put in.  This will save me from having to have a lot of IV's started.  The nurse called and scheduled all of the test for this Thursday.  Wow, things move fast.  I guess it's a good thing.  No waiting around.  All of this is going on and I haven't even told Luke yet.  He'll be home in about a week.  I was waiting until closer to the time he came home so he wouldn't be worried and far from home.  He was a big help when my mom was so sick, I know he'll be a big help with me.    Dan told Mike for me.  All of you that know Michael know how laid back he is.  He doesn't let a lot get to him and if he does he doesn't show it.  I'm so glad his graduation was last weekend before all of this craziness started.

Dr Gabrielsen

October 29th.  The first visit with the surgeon.  Dr Cam Gabrielsen is excellent.  We call him Dr Cam to distinquish him from his father Dr Ted who works with him.   He spent 2 hours with Dan & I discussing all our options.   The cancer is called Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  Hmmmm, okay not sure what all that means at this point but we'll go with it.  Anyway Dr Cam says he thinks the knot is about 1 cm.  I'm good so far, not too bad and it doesn't seem to be fast growing.  He does a quick examine,  he feels my lymph nodes and says to me "feel this.  Have you felt this before?"  I said well now I do :)  I guess I really never knew what I was feeling for when do breast exams.  He does say that he is a little more concerned but we're still good.  The lumpectomy is planned for November 5th with the extraction of a couple of lymph nodes.  Chemo 3 weeks later for 6 weeks followed by Radiation for another 6 weeks.
Wow, a bunch of info in a very short period of time.

C Day

My marathon began on Oct 25th.  That day has become a blur.  After several mammograms, several ultrasounds and a biopsy the doctor says, Mrs Harmon you have breast cancer  I sat for several minutes just staring into the doctors faces.   I asked if he was sure.  He said "Patti, I wouldn't tell you if I wasn't sure."  Of course I knew this but just thought I'd ask anyway.
At that point there must have been a thousand thoughts going through my mind, but the main thing was complete disbelief.  Never in my wildest dreams could this be real.  I never get sick. 
Unfortunately this is happening.....