Life as I know it.....or use to know it

June 14th  Well this is it... My treatments are done.  I'm on my way back to my life.  It's been a long journey that's for sure.  I hope I've come through this a different person.  Physically and mentally.  I hope I look at life a little different now.  Maybe not stress over things that I cannot change and give more attention to the things I can.  I know through all of this I have made such wonderful friends and become closer to the friends that I already had. 
My physical appearance has definitely changed.  I still have no breasts, my hair is extremely short and about 15 lbs lighter... well that part may be a good thing.  I had been trying to lose a little weight :)  I do NOT however, recommend chemo as a weight loss program.  hahaha.  My son announced to us that he is getting married July 30th.  I truly hope that I at least have fake breasts by then.  I hate to have pictures taken looking like this.  People that don't know us will think Michael has 2 daddy's.  Hmmm, maybe I should wear a tux to the wedding or maybe a really frilly dress so people will know. 
This blog has been a great comfort to me.  I have used it to voice my feelings and to keep up with some of my friends and family.  Anyone that knows me knows that I have to voice my feelings and opinions.  Everyone wants my thoughts right?  :)  
I return to work tomorrow.  Please say a prayer for me.  Actually, maybe we better say a prayer for the people I work with :) 

What's normal?

June 2nd  Today is the last day of my "normal" radiation treatments.  Starting tomorrow I begin something called boosters.  It's a little more intensive and aim directly on my mastectomy scar.  According to my doctor, breast cancer has a higher chance of reoccuring in the scar area, so they do 5 treatments directly to the scar.  Hopefully, this will ward off any chance of the cancer coming back. 
My bloodcounts have been coming back a little low the last 3 weeks.   I think it's so funny that my WBC & platelets were within normal limits all during my chemo but now....At this time they aren't really concerned about them but the doc said that if they drop much lower I will need to wear a mask out in public.  Dr Price said that this could be a side effect of the radiation hitting the sternum.  Apparently, the sternum is a big enough producer of bone marrow that it can make a difference in my blood count.  I've lost a little weight so for right now my bones are not hidden very well by fat and this means they are getting the full strenth of radiation.  I'm sure once I get back to work by bones will be covered by lots of fat.  We love to eat at work :)  Well, when I'm "normal" I just love to eat. 

Best gift ever

I might need a haircut, or at least a good color job :)
Notice my pink crocs.  Great for bike riding.x

Bird House

May 30th  The definition of inactivity....Sitting on the porch with a hat on and a bird lands on it  :)  Cannot get any more stationary than that.  hahaha.  Maybe I better ride my bike more.

Thank You

May 20th I'm not sure that I have been expressing my gratitude and love lately for my friends and family.  I think it's been a while since I have told everyone how much I love them.  I will never be able to repay all that has been done for me over the last 7 months.  Maybe my answer for this disease is that it has put life in perspective.  Not because of the things that have been given to me, which is so overwhelming I'll never be able to explain, but because of the love that I have seen by so many.  The love that is given is not all due to me I'm sure.  It's due to the kind hearts of those around me.  If anyone ever thinks that our world has gone to hell then take a look around my small but magnificent group.  Why God has been so generous as to put these people in my life I will never know.  I know that I will try for the rest of my life to repay them.

Animal Planet

May 20th  You realize just how boring your life has become when you find yourself setting on your deck and you are truly interested in a toad that is eating ants.  I must have watched this fat toad for about 1/2 hour before I realized what I was doing.  Did I mention that the last nice day we had I was mesmerized by a little snake.  Oh well, it's a beautiful day and any reason to be sitting in the sun.  Really only 1/2 of me is in the sun.  The other half looks like I'm going on an expedition to the Artic :)  Okay, maybe not quite that bad but it feels like it.   I do have a couple of tomato plants that I need to get in the ground.  It's hard for me to dig up the soil however due to my arm situation.  Sounds like another chore to add to the "Dan" list.  I'm sure he's going to be SO happy when I'm released and back to work. 
The radiation is definitely not as bad as chemo.  It is having it's challenges though.  My radiologist told me that I am a strange creature.  Hmmm, good or bad??  My left side resembles a case of measles with a horrific sunburn.  The doctor feels that I have had an allergic reaction to the radiation.  No surprises here.  She's been trying several different cremes and I'm confident that one of them will work.  Favor to ask, is anyone available to braid the hair in my left armpit.  It's becoming a little unruly.  Maybe a ponytail holder?  hahaha  

Changing

May 12th  I think it's hit me.  Dr Price had told me that being tired was a huge part of radiation and you know what......she was right.  The hot flashes have become more of a large burn instead of a flash so sleeping has become non existent.   My biggest complained however, is that I'm so hot on the inside that it's hard for me to sit outside and let the sun warm me on the out side.  The sun, it's been what I have been yearning for all winter and spring and now it's here.  It's not the same looking at it from inside the house as it is being outside and feeling it on my face and skin.  I just don't understand why with all the advancements in medicine that they haven't come up with some type of medication for hot flashes.  Dr Whitaker told me I may not really even be in menopause right now.  It could just still be the effects of chemo.  He has done a blood test to let me know.  Do I still have menopause to look forward to after this?  Wow, if this isn't the change then does it get worse?  I think it's unfair that I could have had a few years before the change started but because of cancer...well, if I am in the middle of the change I can't wait to see what I might change into.  Maybe a 30 year old model???? Hmmm, the change might not be so bad :)

Daytime Activities

May 11th  When does it happen?  When do you start planning your day around your doctor visits.  I remember when my grandmother did this and then I remember when my parents started doing it.  What I want to know however is, when did I start doing it :)  Today I had an MRI and then radiation.   My test was scheduled for 7am.  Yuck.  I don't sleep well at night and I'm usually awake around 3:00 and then go back to sleep around 5:00.  So at 6:30 when I look at the clock and it said 6:30 I had to jump out of bed and literally just get dressed and leave.  Luckily, the people at the hospital don't care if you come there with makeup.  Of course, still no hair which is really nice when I'm in a hurry. 
My days are pretty much uneventful right now.  I take a nap, sit outside (thank goodness for the warm weather and sunshine), watch a lot of TV.  Television is the worst during the day.  I refuse to watch soap operas or Maury.  Not a lot else on.  I have started not eating a lot during the day.  It's hard to be hungry when you exert no energy.  I eat mostly just to be eating.  Anyone that knows me knows how I love to eat.  I surely cannot miss a meal.  The hard thing for me is to eat well not just sweets.  Even during chemo I could eat sweets.  Too bad not a lot of nutritional value, only fat content.  So, I guess the writings on the wall, all fat intake and no exercise....I'll need to go on a diet by the time I go back to work.  hahaha.  I've always said that I'm the healthiest cancer patient you'll meet.
I want to remind everyone that I have not forgotten what a wonderful family I have and the most wonderful group of friends.  Thank you all for everything.  You are all in my thoughts everyday.

Quiet Time

May 2nd  This is beginning my 2nd week of radiation.  I see the doctor every Monday, I guess just to be sure everything is going as expected.   I seem to be a little "sunburned" but not too bad.  I was out in the sun this weekend, well Saturday, but I have to stay covered up. 
My sister left yesterday to go back home.  She's has been with me for about a month.  The house seems awfully quiet now.  Just me and ole Hank again.  I feel like I winding down now and things have sorta quieted for me.  I sleep quite a bit during the day but not a lot of illness other than headaches.  I would like to buy a bicycle.  I think I need to get exercise, at least a little.  I tried walking but my feet just won't allow it yet.  I think if I could ride a bike, maybe to the end of the road and back, it may help to give me a little energy.  I'm not sure if I went back to work right now, that I would have the energy to walk from the parking lot up to the 3rd floor.   Maybe I should get a scooter :)

A new look....again

April 22nd  I had an appointment today at the hospital. This appointment is to measure me for the radiation treatments.  The radiologist uses a machine that is called a simulator.  It "simulates" my treatment, whatever that means.  The machine looked like a CT scanner to me.  It simulates where the doctor will actually be doing the radiation treatment on my body.  They want to try NOT to hit any of my organs during the laser treatments, at least as much as possible.  The doctors have already given me a list of the long term side effects and several of my organs will be affected, at least a little,  the bottom of my left lung, the top of my heart, possibly my stomach and thyroid??? Are we surprised by this,  NO!!!  This entire cancer issue has been a list of side effects.  Well, if they happen I will deal with them then.
So.... while I'm laying in the simulator the doctor uses a permanent magic marker to draw lines up and down my chest.  Yes, just a regular old marker.  Between the scars and marker I look like a road map.  Of course she couldn't use just a black marker, I have black, blue and green :) Very colorful.  She then says, "don't wash these lines off, no soap or lotions in that area".  Okay, this is my armpit area we are talking about.  No soap and no shaving,  so stinky and hairy.  Just the look I was going for, like a flower child from the 60's.  hahaha  No hair with chemo, and unruly hair with radiation.  I am just ever changing.  When I turned 49 this year I had said I wanted to change my look, this was a little more changing than I had meant however :)
I am going to have 33 treatments.  I think this will put me toward the first of June when I finish.  It seems that I may be coming to the end of this ordeal.  A new life just in time for summer.... I'm ready.

Ladies in Pink

Race for the Cure

April 16th  Today was the Race for the Cure.  My friends Amber & Christie worked so hard to form a team for me.  Patti's Tata's.  Appropriate name don't you think?  However, maybe it should have been called Patti's No Tata's :)  We had a great turn out of walkers.  The weather was miserable so I was really surprised to see so many people.  I prayed really hard that the rain would hold off and it did.  The power of prayer right?   I had never been to the walk before, WOW!  I think they said that 40,000 people was the final count.  Isn't that amazing.  There were even participants that have been survivors for  40 years +.  I also spoke to many women that were like me, new survivors.  My heart was heavy with one lady.  I would say she was in her 20's.  So young and she had a little girl around 2 years old.  She was a 3 1/2 month survivor.  She has stage 3 like me but hers was also in her spine.  I just haven't thought about how such young girls can get this horrible disease.  She was very up beat and said the doctors have a handle on it.  I think of her often and hope everyone will put her in their prayers.  That little baby girl needs her mommy. 
I didn't actually walk this year.  Still having a few issues with my feet, but next year watch out.  Maybe I'll run it.... yeah right. hahaha  My sister and Celeste walked around with me to all the different booths.  Lots and lots of booths.  We didn't get to all of them.  As slow as I walk by the time we got to some of them they were packing up.  We ended up walking to the finish line so that we could applaud our team as they crossed the finish line.  
Thank you to everyone, walkers and donors.  This team, this walk couldn't be possible without everyone.   I truly felt very loved.

Radiation

April 15th  This has been an interesting week.  Had a couple of different doctor visits.  One with my oncologist and one with my new doctor, Dr Price.  She is my radiologist.  She will be the one to administer the radiation treatments.  My first appointment with Dr Whitaker was a little nerve racking for me.  When Dan & I arrived we weren't sure what he would tell us.  We knew that 3 of my lymph nodes still showed cancer.  We had hoped that when they removed them in surgery none of the nodes would show cancer, so now what???  Dr Whitaker was as optimistic as ever.  He said that he hadn't been surprised about the lymph nodes.  We asked him about more chemo, fortunately or unfortunately, however you look at it, there is no other chemo that will benefit me.  He said that I have had both kinds.  Sometimes the chemo is given, one type before surgery and one type after surgery.  I had both types before.  So now on to radiation.  I truly loved the radiologist.  She put everything out on the line, the good and bad.  We were in her office for over an hour.  All of my doctors have been like this, never rushing.  She gave us a list of the side effects, short term and long term.  Okay, the one that I cringed out the most.....the effected area cannot be exposed to the sun, at all, for one year.  What? I can't do this.  My favorite thing is to be outside soaking up the sun's rays.  So how do I find a bathing suit that covers my left arm, left breast area and left shoulder?  Okay, covering my left breast won't be hard but my left arm and shoulder?  That's a pretty crazy bathing suit.  I guess tshirts it is.  Dr Price also said the worst side effect will be tiredness.  Haven't we had that before?  She said that I will need to take a couple of naps during the day.  Shouldn't be hard.  I've been doing that since chemo.  I will have 33 treatments.  Not sure when they will actually start.  I go next week for a CAT scan with markers.  This is how they measure exactly where the laser will zap me.  Oh yea, and I can't shave my left arm pit.  Are you kidding me!  Well I guess I really won't be wearing a bathing suit anyway.  More like a long sleeve shirt if I can't shave.  Isn't it funny, no hair at all while on chemo and now more hair than  I'll know what to do with.  Talk about swinging from one side of the pendulum to the other.  Cancer, what an experience.....

Recovery, not for the weak.

April 6th  Recovery is going well.  I have started to use a pulley that Dan put up on my closet door.  My right arm is pretty close to normal.  It still gets tired fairly easy and I'm not suppose to lift anything with it yet.  My left arm.... well that's a whole other story.  Wow,  I would never have thought the recovery would be this painful.  I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.  I mean when you have your armpit rummaged through to find the lymph nodes I guess it can make it a little sore :P And talk about ugly, I guess armpits really aren't too pretty anyway but now.....well I guess my armpit won't be doing any modeling anytime soon :) 
There is no sign of lymphodema yet which is a big plus.  Maybe I'll be one of the lucky women that doesn't get it.  Lymphodema is a condition that mastectomy patients can get.  For a better term, elephant arm.  Wouldn't that be a pretty picture.  The surgeon said that your hand can increase by 2 or 3 ring sizes.  I am however, refusing to get that.  Hey, Dan bought me a gorgeous wedding band and I am not having it re sized.   I told Dr Cam that he had better find a way to prevent it.  I cannot be bothered with a huge arm.  I mean, come on,  I can't afford to buy new clothes.  Hmmm, I wonder if you can buy a shirt with 2 different arm sizes anyway. hahaha.
 I am having trouble finding shirts to fit right now though.  Most of them are either too tight around my arm,  it's still uncomfortable for my right arm, or too big around my chest.  I try to always wear a jacket and scarf,  just so the poor fit isn't as noticeable.  I'm sure the only one that notices is me anyway but I find myself uncomfortable in public.  I'm not sure what I will do if the weather gets any warmer.  I already find myself sweating with so many layers.  I'll be the only one you see with shorts, flip flops and then 2 shirts, a jacket and a scarf.  Talk about a fashion statement :)
My hair has started coming back in.  I look a little like Demi Moore in GI Jane, well from the forehead up :)  It's pretty gray but really soft.  Hopefully, I won't even have to wear a bandana soon.  If I do need more chemo I want them to do it soon while my hair is still very short.  I don't want to go through that whole loosing my hair thing again.  That was such a messy process.  I'm not sure who shed more, me or the dog.   The vet uses ShedX on dogs, I wonder if it can be used on humans..... maybe a new invention hahaha

Post Surgery

March 29th  I've always told the doctors that I'm the healthiest cancer patient he'll ever see and it must be true.  When I went to the surgeon for a follow up from surgery I was able to have to have 2 of the 3 drain tubes removed.  That's about a week sooner than they expected.  Now granted I still have one in, but that's pretty good I'd say.  While in the hospital I did develop heart arrhythmia, but it is being caused by being anemic.  Once this is under control I should be feeling pretty good.  The anemia is, believe it or not, still a side effect from the chemo.  Gotta love chemo :)
I think my taste buds are finally returning to normal.  I ate chili over the weekend.  I have not had any type of tomato anything since November.   Wow, that's a big plus.  I never knew how much I would miss those foods... spaghetti, chili, jambalaya.  Still can't eat anything with ANY spice to it at all,  but hey, I'm on my way. 
So, the surgery was pretty much a success I guess.  Is that how we say it?  A success?  Only 3 of 12 lymph nodes removed were still positive,  they say that's good???  Not sure how I feel about any of the nodes being positive though.  You go through chemo thinking you'll come out of it with NO positive test results.   The doctors say that radiation will take care of any remaining cancer cells.  I'm sure this is true.  For my own peace of mind I need to believe them.  Keep a good outlook right?  I'm sure I can do that.  Attitude has so much to do with healing.  I do believe, however, that it will always be in the back of my mind.  Of course right now,  I can't remember anything, chemo brain remember hahaha, so a thought that has been shoved to the back of my mind may just become fading memory.

A new me, well not really.

March 23rd  It's done, finally the surgery is over.  I have been thinking of this surgery since October.  That's when the doctors had first thought the surgery would happen.  On the days leading up to the surgery I kept myself occupied.  I had family come from out of town and I think this really helped to keep my thoughts on something besides myself.  I truly was not nervous, at least not conscience of the fact.  I just kept telling myself, "It is what it is"  Sometimes things happen in life that we really have no control over.  Okay, so most of the time this pertains to my children.  :P  I really believe I went to the hospital with a good frame of mind, however, once the nurse started talking to Dan & I about the procedure it hit me.  This is it.  This is really happening to me.  This whole idea of me having this disease has been surreal to both Dan & I.  It had never been real, until now.  I just kept thinking, they are really going to remove my breast.  What a strange statement this is.  I couldn't even imagine how I would look, how I would feel, how I would handle myself when I came out of surgery. 
Well I did it.  The surgery is over and for the most part I'm still myself.  A little  deformed, a little more sore but I'm still here.  It's still me.  The doctor took the bandages off yesterday.  Dan & I finally got a clear view of the new me.  Not a pretty picture.  I can't say it wasn't a shock but it really is still me.  I guess this is what I have to keep saying to myself.  
Now I'm on to the next step, whatever that may be in this ever changing place I'm in. 

Confusion

March 13th  I woke up this morning feeling a little edgy.  I'm guessing it due to the surgery getting so close.  I think most people feel this way whenever you have anything coming up, whether it's something at work, home etc.  A few of my family are going to be here soon from out of state.  Can't wait to see them.  Too bad I won't be able to visit with them the entire time.  I feel a little cheated on this visit.  I guess they will have to make another trip up here very soon.  I have actually been hearing from a lot of people lately.  So many friends and family wanting to give me their support.  It's amazing how many people remember me. 
A funny thing happened at CVS yesterday,  the cashier asked me if I was suffering from "chemo brain".  I started laughing.  I've been saying I have chemo brain but didn't really believe it till now :)  I'm going to use this excuse for a very long time :)  I asked her why she asked, she said because I had a blank look on my face.  How funny was that?  I must have really looked confused.  I know, not much different than normal right?

Accept the Change

March 9th  Went to dinner with my friends and Dan.  Appetite is starting to come back a little.  Still no spicy yet, but give it time.  My cousins sent me chocolate covered strawberries.  My favorite.  I can definitely eat them.  I'll be the fattest cancer patient ever :)  
I lost another finger nail today.  So gross.  Once they all fall off I'll start growing my new ones though so I'm hoping they fall off soon.  It's going to be a year of all kinds of growth, physically, spiritually and emotionally.  Since I've never been one to accept change well I figure this is my opportunity to learn all about change at it's utmost.  I'm sure with help and love from my friends and family that I will learn to love change.
Dan and I have decided we have a motto:  We will remember it always,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
To change the things I can
and the strength to know the difference.

Surgery scheduled

March 1st  Two weeks from today.  That's MY day I guess.  Surgery.  Right now it all seems so surreal.  When I talk about it it's like I'm talking about someone else which, for me, I guess is a good thing.  I can't picture myself as being sick so I deal with things by putting myself outside the situation.
My bi weekly doctor appointment went well.  Blood work all good.  I've been very fortunate in one aspect of my chemo, my blood work has remained good.  Something that seems to plague a lot of cancer patients, low blood counts.  I always tell my doctor that I'm the healthiest cancer patient he'll have.  The only thing low is my hemoglobin which means I'm a little anemic.  The symptom of this....being tired.  Well, that's not new news.  hahaha.  I asked the nurse "about how long, now that I'm over chemo, before I begin to feel like myself."  She said it can take many months.  I definitely don't like this answer.  Maybe as my hair starts coming back so will my energy :)  If you remember the story of Samson, his energy was tied to the length of his hair, makes this story even more believable doesn't it?

The eyes have it

Feb 23rd  The one thing I didn't know, among many, is that when you don't have eyelashes your eyelids stick together when you blink :)  It's the strangest thing.  Apparently, those little lashes are there for more than pretty eyes hahaha.  As long as my eyes stay moist it isn't so bad but if the old eyes dry out, which because they are old they do, they stick.  It kinda makes blinking annoying.  Does anyone know how to stop this.  The other side to this is that any lotion, cream, makeup etc you put on your eyes seems to seep into your eyes without the lashes to protect them.  Boy, they do a lot of work.  When I wash my face and then do my daily regime my eyes will burn for an hour.  Okay... wrinkly eyes or burning eyes hmmmm ???? that's a tough one.
Met with my girls for a night out last week.  Wow, what great friends I have.  There was a huge crowd.  I hope I got to talk to everyone.  I would never want to leave anyone out.  I can't believe people still buy me gifts.  How fun is that.  I got a foot care gift.  How excellent.  I have neuropathy in my feet so that gift is truly appreciated.  I received a beautiful breast cancer statue.  I have never seen one like it.  It looks great on my coffee table.  I am truly blessed with love.  As long as I'm alive I will never be able to pay it forward.  I will give it a good try though.  Are we all put here for a purpose?  How do we find what that purpose is?  How do we know if we've found it?  That's a question for the ages.

A Tonsillectomy

Feb 16th     No new news from the surgeon.  He really just discussed the surgery and what would happen.  Nothing we didn't already know.  He's very good about talking with us and NEVER rushes us out of the office. That's very different than a lot of doctor visits :) 
The one thing I have noticed with doctors however, is that with doctors, especially specialists, everything is kinda "matter of fact".  I understand why it is that way with them.  They do this stuff every day...to an oncologist, a person with cancer, well that's what they do for a living, it's not anything exceptional.   But?  it feels exceptional to me.  I will say, that today, I'm a little sad.   I'll get over this feeling I'm sure.  I always do.  For the most part I'm a pretty upbeat person.  Dan makes sure of that :)  He always looks at the bright side.  It's just amazing to me that these medical workers talk about a double mastectomy with lymph node removal like they are discussing a tonsillectomy.  Okay, maybe not quite like that, but that's how it sounds.     Really, if I think about it I don't want them acting like it's a "big" deal.  You really want the nurses, Oncologist, Surgeon etc to do these procedures enough to be experts at them.   How scary would that be if this procedure was such a big deal for them?  hahaha.  No 1st timers for me please.  As much as I want my doctors to not make this a big deal, it feels like a big deal to me.  This feels life altering.  What they are removing has been a part of me for almost 50 yrs.  It's a part of who I am, a part of what I look like.  Okay, for those of you that know what I look like, they aren't a BIG part of what I look like : P but still a part.   I guess if I really think about it, my tonsils have been with me for just as long.  Maybe this surgery is like a tonsillectomy :)

Surgeon

February 15th  I have an appointment with my surgeon today.  I'm a little nervous.  Ready to get it over with however.  I always think the unknown is a bit scary.  I'm sure the news I get today won't be a shock.  The doctors have kept me pretty much up to date I think.  It could be due to all the unending questions I have.  I probably drive them nuts :)  The more I read the more questions I ask.  I bet docs hate the Internet huh? 

You are braver than you believe,

stronger than you seem, and

smarter than you think.

Christopher Robin

Surgery

Feb 10th  I meet with my surgeon on Monday.  We will be discussing when I will be having the surgery.  My last chemo is on Wednesday so I guess we're getting our ducks in a row.  Dr Whitaker informed Dan & I that his recommendation is to have a double mastectomy and lymph nodes removed.  Hmmm, well that wasn't in the game plan at the beginning of this marathon.  Okay, so we'll deal with it.  I asked the doc about reconstruction, in his normal upbeat tone, oh he said, the surgeon will remove them and the plastic surgeon will do the new ones at the same time.  Great!  only one surgery.  Well, during my chemo Dr Whitaker came back to talk with Dan and I again.  He and the other team of doctors have decided that we shouldn't do the reconstruction immediately.  We should wait approximately 6 months to a year.  The decision is all based on my recovery, radiation therapy etc. 
So let's see,  no hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes and no finger nails.  Now no boobs?  Well, I do have a few eyelashes, just not bottom lashes.   Everyone that thinks I'm going to look like something out of a sci fi novel raise their hands.  Wait, what is the name of that cat that's hairless?  Can you say "scary"

Words to live by...

This isn't my normal entry, but something my dear sister in law has as a tag line on her emails.  I think it describes  the long term side effects of cancer better than anything else.  I come across sayings often but never post them even though they are so important.  I think I'm going to change that.  The words are TOO valuable.


"Don't wait. The time will never be just right."
-Napoleon Hill

Snow? Again?

Jan 31st   Another snow` storm??? Are you kidding me?  I hate to tell you this but I really think the nasty weather is here until the middle of February.  That is when I finish my chemo.  Now I'm not so vain to think that I control the weather but..... I do believe the snow and cold began about the same time I began chemo, and since every time I have a treatment we get snow, well you do the math.  If that's the case then it would only make sense that once my treatments are over in February then the weather will clear at the same time :)   I look out the window everyday and wish that it would turn warm, and then it dawned on me that when I begin to feel better the weather will begin to feel better.  I had told my Oncologist that he had until summer to fix me so I guess February doesn't sound so bad.   I am such a warm weather person.  I have never liked cold weather.  I'm sure Dan can contest to the amount of times I have complained about the weather, so for my sake please don't ask him about it.  hahaha.  As I sit here with only 2 treatments left I wonder, would chemo have been so horrible if I had been able to be outside, sit in the sun, walk in the yard etc.  I'm sure the side effects would have been the same but maybe the way I handled them would have been different.  Maybe if the sun had been shining, or the flowers growing, would I have been so content to lie in bed?  If there had been home grown veggies, would I have tried harder to eat?  I guess I won't ever know.   Some people love the seasons, I wish I were one of them.   So, if all of this is true, does that mean as the weather starts to turn, so will my health?  Maybe what I told Dr Whitaker is true, that he has until June to fix me.   I think we're going to hit our mark :)

Feeling Good

Jan 28th  This has been a pretty good week.  After the usual re coop period, I really began feeling pretty good on Wednesday.  I'm still tired and still have the sinus infection, but overall not bad.  It's amazing how appreciative you are of the good days.  I even went to Indy with my son this week.  Now granted I didn't get out of the car :) but just getting out really does a body good.   The Steak n Shake milkshake that we got also does a body good :P
Cancer makes you take a detailed look at you life and what is important.  I can't tell you how many times I have taken inventory of it.  I really think I want to change a few things.  Now sure exactly what or how at this point but I know I want to.   Our lives are all we really have.  I know, everyone knows that right?  Well, I don't think so.  We live our lives everyday and never really give it a thought.  I think the cancer has made Dan and I decide we WANT to give our lives a lot of thought.  We really want to make the most of it.  I think we're done giving a lot of time to things that aren't important to us.  Now this sounds really good while I'm sitting here with nothing to do but think but I hope it sticks with me even after.  I don't want to get to the end of my days and say "I  really wish I had done that"  or "I really wish I had spend more time with friends & family".  In the end isn't that what life really is anyway?  The things we do and the people we do it with?  Life is precious  let's enjoy it.   

Night Flashes

Jan 19th.   For all you ladies out there that are pre menopausal let me ask, do you have hot flashes?  Oh my heavens this is the worst.  Chemo, as you can guess, has done this to me and I'm not a bit happy.  These flashes happen all day but night time is the worst.  I probably wake up 4-5 times a night.  The funny thing about them is it's my head that sweats.  Nothing worse than a bald head with beads of sweat.  The doc said to always sleep with a hat on but there is just NO WAY.  The night sweats are a very unpleasant experience, when I get them immediately the blankets are throw off the bed.  As you can guess this may become a problem for Dan....and the dog, which yes sleeps with us.  I guess if I can't sleep I'm going to make sure no one else in the house sleeps either.  Of course, this burning up feeling is followed a few minutes later by the chills so then I have to gather up the blankets and bundle up.  Poor Dan is going to catch a cold going from warm to cold every hour or so.  I think the dog has even started sneezing. 

Boredom

Jan 17th  I've never been the type of person to get bored.  I always can find something to do and if I can't well I invent a project, much to Dan's unhappiness :)  Well, I'm bored now.  Even on days where I don't feel my best I'm bored.  Daytime tv is the worst.  I won't let myself watch HGTV anymore.  I don't feel well enough to start a project and right now I really hate to ask Dan to do it for me.  For a while, every night when Dan came in, I would have a list of little "home improvements" I would like for him to do.  I could tell by his expression that maybe I better hang back for awhile :)  I did start watching the cooking channel but this posed a bigger problem.  I really don't feel like cooking much and when I do feel like working in the kitchen it's hard to cook when food doesn't taste normal to me.  It's hard to be a good cook when food tastes like metal.  So much for taste testing.  hahaha  Since one of the things I can taste is salt, most of my meals would be preserved forever with the amount of salt I put in them I'm sure some of the dinners I've fed to Dan... well let's just say, I think he's put himself on a diet.  Self preservation maybe.

Chemo, good or bad?

Jan 10th.  I've made a decision about chemo, I don't care what kind of medicine your using it's all bad.  Okay, it's not really bad since it's killing the cancer but how it makes you feel... YUCKY!!!.  I spoke to Dr Whitaker about stopping the treatment but that was a definite NO.  He said that we need to be sure that if the cancer has spread to any other organs that we catch it now.  Makes sense,  I guess :)  I will tell you that the nauseousness was much better but unfortunately replaced, however no vomiting, that's a good thing.  The thing I need to always remember is this is chemo...it is a poison.  The good thing, only 3 treatments left.  By the end of February this part will all be over.  I can surely handle this until then.   God doesn't give you anything you can't handle, right?
One other thing that has been happening is skin peeling.  I swear I look like a snake that is shedding it's skin.  I'm sure between the extremely cold weather and the medications I don't have a chance.  I should have bought stock in baby oil, I'd be rich right now, hahaha.  The good thing... I don't have to shave so at least this isn't adding to it.  Even my head is peeling.  When I pull my wig off there's so much flakiness it looks like it's snowing.   I wonder if I can just say I have dandruff.  Do you think anyone would wonder why a bald women has dandruff?  :)

Chemo Eve

Jan 4th  Well I'm here again.. the day before chemo.  This is usually the day that I feel my best.  Thank goodness right :)  I try to get as much done on this day as possible.  It's catch up day.  Let's see, laundry done, bills paid, phone calls made.  I'm even going to go to dinner with my aunt and uncle this evening.  I like to eat a big meal the day before chemo, you know just in case....  Tomorrow is going to be a little different though.  The medication they are giving me in chemo is going to a different drug.  I truly believe my reaction is going to be better.  It can't be any worse right?  :)  Dr Whitaker said the side effects from this med are extreme back pain and exhaustion.  Okay, I think I can handle these 2 things.  NO MORE NAUSEA!!!!! YEA!!!  I'm holding him to this one.  The nurses will start me on a steroid therapy that is suppose to reduce the back pain.  Everyone say a prayer that it works.  Maybe I can begin to get my life back on track.  The one thing that I have found out about myself,  I'm a horrible patient.  I'm very impatient and even though I try not to be, I'm grouchy.  I try to apologize to Dan at least once a day just for being a pain for him.  He never complains but I know this has been very trying for him.  He's a wonderfull caregiver.  He stepped into the role so naturally.  Maybe he missed his calling, maybe he should have been a nurse.  Nurse Dan,  that's got a nice ring to it :)